If Not Me, Who?

In this update, John Cooley make an impassioned plea to members of the law enforcement community not to make any assumptions about who is providing care to those in grief.

If Not Me, Who?John Cooley

During my 10 years as an agency funeral coordinator and during my years putting on seminars, I have always practiced or advocated one simple principle, “If not me, who?” There are often so many opportunities for a funeral coordinator to interact with the surviving family members, agency members, and agency member’s families, and do more than give them advice. It is so easy to provide lip service when we really should be providing service.

Here are some examples:

At my first few funerals I met with the family members and realized that they should probably get some books or information on grieving and bereavement and funeral planning to help them through these tragic times. But I didn’t know what to suggest and I didn’t ask anyone for assistance. I just thought that someone else should do it, I was busy.

Then as I attended various training sessions on grief and bereavement issues I was repeatedly told that as a service provider I should be providing service, not lip service. Rather than thinking how helpful it would be if the family members had some literature on how to plan the funeral and the grieving process and bereavement issues that they will likely be experiencing, that I should have it and give it to them. If not me, who?

As I spoke with agency members and attended briefings and unit meetings I began to realize they often had the same questions and concerns about the death of a friend and co-worker. Again, I thought they should get some literature to help them understand and cope with their loss.

I discovered that I could go to local mortuaries and ask for copies of the pamphlets or brochures they typically had for visitors on death of a co-worker or death of a friend etc. At first the funeral directors said I could find what I needed on the information table in the waiting room and I would respond by informing them that I needed a hundred copies. They always helped out. Then I learned that I could get pamphlets on the internet and download them if I couldn’t get them anywhere else.  If not me, who?

As I met with officer’s family member’s I often recognized that they were likely in need of counseling; grief, spiritual, or psychological. The easiest thing to do was to tell them that they should contact someone or, better yet, give them a name and phone number.

However, I learned that they would seldom make the call themselves. Someone needed to help them. So I began not only telling them of available resources but I would make the call, then hand them the phone, or make an appointment for them myself. If not me, who?

One night as I approached a crime scene I was met by an officer at the crime scene tape barrier who recorded my name etc. and let me enter. As I was providing my information I asked the officer how she was doing, as she had a tough assignment.

As the officer commented on the responsibilities she had to deal with and a lot of uncooperative people she mentioned that she had known the deceased officer well and how devastated she was by the death. A couple of hours later I noticed that the she was still at the barrier, without much to do.

An agency chaplain was standing with me and I mentioned why I thought it would be a good idea for him to go over and talk with her. The chaplain told me the next day that the conversation, although brief, was very timely and meaningful. If not me, who?

As I worked with the chaplains of a local department I learned that when they made a community death notification or were involved in the death of an agency member they always provided a small book on grief. I read the book and was very impressed with it, it was very comforting. But it didn’t provide a comprehensive description or explanation on the topics of grief and bereavement and, most importantly, planning the funeral. Again, I realized that the family needed more and I provided it. If not me, who?

Often families and co-workers are confronted with the death of an officer or an officer’s family member from causes that are uncommon or completely unexpected. Situations such as suicide, substance abuse, AIDS, and SIDS will cause the typical bereavement responses in people but also include additional responses of disbelief, emotional conflict, and wanting to find someone or something to blame.

Once again specific literature about these unlikely causes of death will be necessary to inform, educate, and help anyone and everyone to better understand what has occurred and how their feelings are normal and what they need to help themselves and the involved family. So who will provide this information? If not me, who?

Many times late at night I would be the last agency representative to leave the surviving family’s home and I would be saying to myself that there should be someone at the home to help the spouse, to protect her from all the well intentioned but aggressive family members and friends in the house who were telling her what she should do or how she should feel. Then I would turn around and go back inside and either find someone I could trust to protect the spouse or do it myself. If not me, who?    

As a funeral coordinator I either experienced or learned about the difficulties people were experiencing when an officer or a member of their family died. I knew that there would be opportunities to provide literature that would help them cope with and understand the grief they were experiencing. I knew that there would be people who would need more than a book, that they would need support or counseling. I knew that there was a lot I could do, if I wanted to. I knew that there would be a lot of people giving lip service about what people should do to help themselves or others. But I also knew that people in crisis were the most unlikely people to realize what they needed to do or to do what people suggested for them to do. People in crisis need support.

If they say they would like a chaplain, call one. If they are having problems grieving, arrange for them to meet with a grief counselor. If they don’t know about what to expect at the funeral home to plan the funeral, give them a book that explains it all and go through it with them. And the list goes on.

Because, “If not me, who?”

John Cooley

Policefunerals.com